New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package
CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash. “With this new innovation, we’ve cut out all the extra steps between procuring a napkin and then crumpling it up and discarding it,” said the company’s director of marketing, Chase Henderson, explaining that the ready-soiled paper goods completely eliminate the need to first spill something and then wipe it up. “For our initial rollout, the napkins will come partially saturated in your choice of chili, ranch dressing, or spaghetti sauce. Down the road, we’re hoping to introduce napkins that are already wadded up into a big, messy clump, so customers can simply place the entire 200-count package in the garbage all at once.” Henderson added that the company was also developing a new paper plate that comes pre-stained with a triangle of pizza grease.
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Nervous New Driver Going To Stick To Sidewalks Until He’s More Confident
PHOENIX—Clutching the steering wheel and remarking that it was just safer for everyone this way, nervous 17-year-old motorist Brendan McCormick told reporters Friday he planned to stick to sidewalks until he was more confident of his driving abilities. “Honestly, it’ll be a lot easier to learn the basics if I stay away from the hustle and bustle of the main roads, and things are so much calmer once you turn onto the sidewalk,” said McCormick, who carefully checked his side-view mirror and used his turn signal as he navigated around a café table, noting that he planned to keep his speed between 20 and 30 mph in order to avoid any collisions with fire hydrants or trees. “For now, I just want to go out and take it around the block a few times so I can get the hang of it. I’m also using the crosswalks to avoid busy intersections, which can be pretty overwhelming when you’re a new driver. Sure, I’ve had a few scrapes with pedestrians here and there, but usually I just honk my horn and they get right out of the way.” At press time, McCormick had decided to continue his driving practice over the weekend by speeding up and down a local hiking trail.
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