AJ+

The judge in Kyle Rittenhouse's trial says lawyers cannot call the 2 people he killed "victims." Rittenhouse killed 2 people and wounded another with an AR-15 style weapon. The judge says "victim" is too "loaded" but will let lawyers call them "rioters, looters or arsonists." https://t.co/KqK73Z3ytN

Pee-wee Herman

🔊 So excited for the weekend! [darrensheer/TT] https://t.co/YeoLDIk5hm

Astros Hope Victory Will Inspire Kids To Break Rules Without Punishment

HOUSTON—Calling it their chief motivation for trying to beat the Atlanta Braves in the MLB World Series, members of the Houston Astros told reporters Tuesday that they hoped a victory would inspire kids to break the rules without punishment. “If we can go out and win this series, it will show children all over…

‘It’s Just A Costume, It’s Just A Costume,’ Man Nervously Assures Himself As Giant Hot Dog Starts Walking Toward Him

SAN FRANCISCO—Wringing his hands as beads of sweat began dripping down his forehead, local man Samuel Karpinski repeatedly sought to reassure himself Wednesday that the giant hot dog moving down the sidewalk toward him must be nothing more than a costume. “Stay calm, stay calm—it can’t hurt you,” a visibly shaken…

City Of Denver Shuts Down Bar For Operating Without A Brewery

DENVER—Citing the establishment for a flagrant violation of local ordinances, city officials shut down The Green Owl Tavern Tuesday for operating without a brewery. “After conducting a thorough examination of the premises, officers from the vice department were unable to find even one tap offering locally-sourced,…

Unpopular Kid Having Trouble Fitting In At Home

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Facing an unending string of emotional, verbal, and physical abuses from his peers, sources confirmed Monday that local youth Nathan Meserole is reportedly having considerable difficulty fitting in at his home.

Mom Puts On Glasses To Read Tattoo

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Exxon Staff Wins Company-Wide Pizza Party After Greenhouse Gas Levels Hit New High

IRVING, TX—Following the release of a World Meteorological Organization report that found greenhouse gas concentrations reached a new high in 2020, sources confirmed the staff of ExxonMobil was rewarded Tuesday with a company-wide pizza party. “We just wanted to do something nice to show the team our appreciation for…

Ben Shapiro

Another thing he could choose to do is be the most successful comedian on the planet by not taking your advice https://t.co/0r5KF4KHli

Man Starting To Think Only Reason People Hanging Out With Him Because They All On Same Jury

AUSTIN, TX—Expressing his concern that the relationships may be based on obligation rather than real friendship, local man Alec Crawford told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think that the only reason people were hanging out with him was because they were all on the same jury. “Sure, we all get lunch…

Sedition Track

New video footage of Proud Boy Eddie Block "going through some things" as his house is raided by the FBI #ProudBoys #FAFO #FourHoursAtTheCapital https://t.co/DZkyeCQhur

Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out

MEDFORD, OR—Considering that everyone else at Kevin Brown's sleepover party is having a great time and not freaking out about missing their mommies and daddies, 10-year-old Brandon Thompson needs to just man up and tough it the fuck out because this homesick bullshit is getting ridiculous, sources reported Saturday.