One of my ANCIENT headshots spotted in a Kentucky comedy club!
One of my ANCIENT headshots spotted in a Kentucky comedy club!
The Oatmeal
@Oatmeal
Hi. I have three updates for you.

1. Today I turned 40.

2. Last week my wife gave birth to our son. His name is Theo. He's adorable.

3. I am now unsure what to do about my backlog of comics that depict babies as diarrhea-pumping hobgoblins.
nick kroll
@nickkroll
Thanks everybody for going to see Don’t Worry Darling in theaters! I had a really amazing time making this film and I’m very proud to be a part of it. @dontworrydarlin
Thanks everybody for going to see Don’t Worry Darling in theaters! I had a really amazing time making this film and I’m very proud to be a part of it. @dontworrydarlin
Life is 10% of what happened to you, is 90% what you do about it.
The Onion
@TheOnion
Bizarre Assemblage Of Shapes Visible Through Area Man's Pockets
Bizarre Assemblage Of Shapes Visible Through Area Man's Pockets
My weekend plans
You are horrifying to look at. But that's a good thing.
You are horrifying to look at. But that's a good thing.
I love him. The truth is actually simple and we can all agree on it
“wyd tonight?”

it’s 5pm, i’ve already showered and gotten into bed. if u wanted to make plans, u should’ve asked 3 months ago
I’m, Sean? Yeah… this, uh, actually makes him look awesome? Maybe delete this?
Me after spending the whole day in bed
Me after spending the whole day in bed
The Onion
@TheOnion
Goldman Sachs Announces They’re Blowing Up A Nursing Home And There’s Nothing Anyone Can Do About It
Goldman Sachs Announces They’re Blowing Up A Nursing Home And There’s Nothing Anyone Can Do About It
brushy brushy

📹 _unn1mm3 | IG
How does he say these words and not think “oh shit I’m human garbage”?
Elliot (Stabler) is 5 years old today. After his birthday treats, he will return to his job at the Special Victims Unit.
Elliot (Stabler) is 5 years old today. After his birthday treats, he will return to his job at the Special Victims Unit.
The Onion
@TheOnion
Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object
Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object
A lot of people ask me about the choice to cast all LGBTQ+ actors for “Bros” and this is why we made that decision. Thank you @CBSSunday- what an honor to be on this show!
I never really talk about stuff like this... my father was a hoodlum and had illegal dealings with Don King. I used to run numbers...
Happy birthday to @MattOswaltVA — the best little brother, Emmys date & uncle on the planet!
Happy birthday to @MattOswaltVA — the best little brother, Emmys date & uncle on the planet!
Super annoying🪰

📹 @ketnipz
I knew that if I continued with standup I would lose my career... Cancel culture is real.
“Avengers Assemble!”
Some people still think introverts are shy and cannot make friends. We're not shy and we make friends.

It's just our energy gets drained from multiple long interactions with people and we need time for ourselves to re-energize.
The Onion
@TheOnion
Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy
Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy
The Onion
@TheOnion
Man Has Trouble Growing Full Beard Of Bees
Man Has Trouble Growing Full Beard Of Bees
See you in an hour. #BenSchwartzAndFriends
It sounds like The Weekend. Did Eddie Murphy invent The Weekend sound?
The Onion
@TheOnion
Stock-Photo Model Scout Sees Something Special In Man In Business Suit Crossing Arms
Stock-Photo Model Scout Sees Something Special In Man In Business Suit Crossing Arms
User ranking
astrophysicist
My name is Kevin Hart and I WORK HARD!!! That pretty much sums me up!!! Everybody Wants To Be Famous But Nobody Wants To Do The Work
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
daniel tosh
daniel tosh @danieltosh 24M Followers
not a doctor
Evie’s husband
Jim Carrey
Jim Carrey @JimCarrey 19M Followers
The ONLY official social media account for Actor Author and Artist Jim Carrey!
Building @MEMELAND one meme at a time • 📧 [email protected] • CEO ➡️ @9gagceo
The Official Twitter Page of Seth MacFarlane - “The Orville: New Horizons” coming to Hulu June 2, 2022!
Funny Or Die
Funny Or Die @funnyordie 13M Followers
We love to make you laugh.
we're on a planet in outer space. (((she/her)))
new money
The Onion
The Onion @TheOnion 12M Followers
America's Finest News Source.
Now touring - on and off - with Marty Short.
Thoughts from the shower. Usually taken from /r/showerthoughts. #parody Contact: [email protected] or on Insta-iamkritverma / DM's OPEN
Sorry, I can’t go out! I’m busy laying in my bed with my phone 😅 Follow me if you’re an introvert 💜 (Memes Parody Account) Business DM me ✉️
You know... the weird one.
In 2022: new @Netflix special WE ALL SCREAM out Tuesday, September 20th! MINOR THREATS from @DarkHorse out now! I like making stuff. IG: pattonoswalt
Just another luminous spiritual being having a beautiful and difficult human experience.
Global philanthropists, investor and award winning entertainer. “The more people you help become successful the more successful you become. “
Is This Anything? On Sale Now
Chronicling your wild lives, one text at a time ••• Email [email protected] for rates / collab / whatevah
Dane Cook
Dane Cook @DaneCook 3M Followers
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Male Model. COMEDY MONSTER on Netflix. Touring with all new material on THE FUN TOUR. My first wife is @jeanniegaffigan.
Men's Humor
Men's Humor @MensHumor 3M Followers
Humor Tailored for Men. Submit: [email protected] IG: https://t.co/gLpO60o1D1
This is the real, official David Spade. Any other accounts are fake.
KING OF POP CULTURE, Founder of @DTPfoundation, 2x People’s Choice Award Winner 🍕Plays Monchi in @mitchellsmovie! New book out this Fall.
Star/co-writer of the new comedy BROS! Only in THEATERS Sept 30! BUY YOUR TICKETS RIGHT NOW: https://t.co/h7dqCI7q1p
PRESSALIKE. More alike than not. [email protected]