Elon Musk Accuses Own Genitals Of Being Far-Left Actor With Axe To Grind

LOS ANGELES—Claiming his penis had obviously been coerced into exposing itself to a flight attendant in 2016, Elon Musk reportedly accused his genitals Friday of being a far-left actor with an axe to grind. “For the record, these accusations against me are wildly untrue, and were carried out by my genitals in a…

Annie

I'm not sure who needs to see this but... here is a candid snapshot from my grandfather's personal archives of himself and Cesar Romero in full Penguin & Joker costume smoking together right before a Batman-themed parade in Austin, TX - July 30th, 1966. https://t.co/SisCLxHh14

Fetus Steps Outside Womb For Quick Cigarette Break

KEARNEY, NE—Explaining he felt “all cooped up in that place” and needed to clear his head, a local fetus reportedly stepped outside the womb Friday for a quick cigarette break. “It’s nice to take a break from the nonstop gestation and just relax a little, but you’re not allowed to smoke in there,” said the unborn…

Old Head Energy

Will Smith slapping Chris Rock stayed in the news cycle longer than 10 black people being slaughtered in a supermarket. Sad.

NYPD Arrests Colombian Turnstile Lord Behind Massive Turnstile-Jumping Ring

NEW YORK—As part of a sting aimed at dismantling a criminal enterprise said to operate in all five boroughs, the New York City Police Department arrested Friday a notorious Colombian turnstile lord alleged to be the leader of a massive international turnstile-jumping ring. “The NYPD has apprehended Carlos ‘The…

Woman Who Doesn’t Want To Be Hit On Shouldn’t Be Hanging Out In Bar Taking Drink Orders

TEMPE, AZ—Yucca Tap Room patron Danny Foster told sources Tuesday that if Tempe resident Destiny Harris had no desire to field romantic overtures from inebriated male customers, she should not be hanging out in the bar taking drink orders. “She’s just going from table to table, mingling with all the customers, asking…

billy eichner

IT'S HERE!!! HERE’S THE FIRST TRAILER FOR… BROS. A ROMANTIC COMEDY UNLIKE ANY YOU’VE EVER SEEN. LET’S MAKE HISTORY. IN THEATERS SEPT 30. ❤️🌈 https://t.co/kPHAeyIWwd

Employee Wishes He Had Enough Job Security To Voice Opinion

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would never jeopardize what little standing he has within the company by making any waves, Crystalpoint Systems junior sales associate Josh Morris told reporters Wednesday that he doesn’t have enough job security to actually voice his opinion at work. “I’m still pretty low on the totem pole…

Study Reveals That Girls Who Play Princess Grow Up With Skewed Perceptions Of The Role Of Modern Monarchy In A Democratic Society

NEW YORK—Shedding new light on the environmental factors influencing women’s views of royal privilege and responsibility, a study released Friday by New York University’s Department of Psychology found that the majority of girls who play princess develop skewed and possibly unrealistic perceptions of the role of the…

Knife-Wielding Tesla Kills Pedestrian

BOSTON—In an incident that sent shock waves across the automotive industry, a knife-wielding Tesla Model S reportedly killed local pedestrian Lucy Friedman Friday after pursuing her down a city street. “Based on data retrieved from the vehicle, the Tesla’s camera appears to have accidentally locked onto the…

BREAKING: Drunk Teen Going 100 MPH Down Slick Highway Is Invincible

PALMDALE, CA—With one hand on the wheel and the other turning up a radio blasting Black Flag’s “Rise Above,” the drunk 17-year-old currently driving a convertible at 100 miles per hour down a slippery patch of California State Route 138 is utterly invincible, sources have confirmed. “Nothing can stop me—I’m going to…

Dr. M.F. Khan

Brazilian couple planted about 2.7 million trees in 20 years to restore forest that had been wiped out by deforestation. Even animals have returned including more than 30 species of mammals, 170 species of birds and 15 species of amphibians and reptiles. https://t.co/2dSGwCYeYq https://t.co/KBVuaGlaqF