Conservatives Blast Simone Biles For Robbing Them Of Opportunity To Criticize Her Win

NEW YORK—Accusing her of being selfish and unfit to be a gold medal gymnast, conservatives blasted Simone Biles Wednesday for robbing them of the opportunity to criticize her win. “As of today, Ms. Biles has not only betrayed her country and her fans, but denied us the chance to pick apart every single word she would…

DaBaby Apologizes For Leaving Jews Out Of Offensive Rant

CHARLOTTE, NC—Following backlash over comments he made about gay men and HIV at a recent concert and on social media, rapper DaBaby issued an apology Wednesday for leaving Jews out of his profanity-laden, offensive rant. “I want to say in no uncertain terms that it was wrong of me not to include Jews in the statements…

Nate Odenkirk

He's going to be okay.

Marine Scientist Finds 'Real-Life' SpongeBob And Patrick Star In The Atlantic Ocean

But they are not friends.

NFL Warns Unvaccinated Players Will Face Consequences For Domestic Violence Charges

NEW YORK—Stressing that Covid-19 outbreaks would be devastating for teams, the National Football League warned Wednesday that unvaccinated players would face consequences for domestic violence charges. “If a game is cancelled due to multiple Covid infections, the NFL will be forced to finally start punishing…

Bored Vaccination Worker Spends Afternoon With No Patients Stabbing Syringe Between Fingers

HUNTSVILLE, AL—In an effort to make it through a long day with nothing to do, bored vaccination worker Ray Gately told reporters Thursday he had spent an afternoon with no patients stabbing a syringe back and forth between his splayed-out fingers. “With no vaccine appointments all day, I’ve actually gotten pretty good…

Kevin McCarthy

Make no mistake—The threat of bringing masks back is not a decision based on science, but a decision conjured up by liberal government officials who want to continue to live in a perpetual pandemic state.

ClemMedia 🐍

@PFTompkins Im sure you'd hate having 💩, and meth smoke outside your apt If you're such a "humanitarian". Invite them over to your neighborhood. https://t.co/uCO2fCnsgY

Different Waitress Brings Order

FARIBAULT, MN—In a turn of events reportedly unforeseen by the party of four, the waitress at Tony's Family Restaurant who brought the Sostek family their food during lunch on Sunday was not the same one who took their order, sources at the table confirmed. “Huh, that’s weird,” said diner Ed Sostek, 47, who noted that…

Report: Everyone Starting New Exciting Stage Of Life Except You

NEW YORK—A new 400-page report released Monday by the Pew Research Center confirmed that everyone—absolutely everyone—other than you is starting new, exciting phases of their lives and careers. “Our results indicate that those around you are all turning a new leaf, moving forward to face a fresh challenge, and…