Rudy Giuliani Tests Positive For Slew Of Obscure Bat Diseases Unrelated To Covid-19
NEW YORK—After undergoing tests to rule out the possibility of coronavirus infection, sources close to Rudy Giuliani confirmed Friday that the attorney tested positive for several dozen obscure bat diseases completely unrelated to Covid-19. “As of now, we have confirmed 27 diseases and counting inside Mr. Giuliani, many of which experts have only previously seen as communicable from bat to bat,” said Dr. Allen Ellis, physician for the former New York City mayor, adding that a team of archaeobiologists from Harvard University who specialize in rare mammalian diseases discovered high levels of guano in Giuliani’s blood. “While definitely suffering from more common bat-to-person transmissions like rabies, ticks, and histoplasmosis, Mr. Giuliani has also somehow contracted vespertilioma—a long-eradicated bat cancer researchers haven’t seen since a very unusual case in Germany in 1903. He also has the bat version of diabetes. A number of these viruses are only sexually transmitted between bats, so this is extremely concerning. An especially interesting contagion located inside Mr. Giuliani’s chest is linked to the only known fossilized remains of a rare Tibetan bat species, which was buried with the inscription ‘kha rdung pho wang,’ roughly translating to ‘curse of the small winged mammal.’” At press time, Dr. Ellis was struggling to make sense of an abdominal scan of Giuliani, which appeared to show six live bats living comfortably inside his liver.
Happy birthday to the legend @DonCheadle. This is the wallpaper on my phone. He forced me to put it on there 5 years ago and every time I see him, he makes sure it's still there. Happy birthday my friend.
You don’t have to solve your whole life overnight. And you don’t have to feel ashamed for being where you are. All you have to focus on is one small thing you can do today to get closer to where you want to be. Slowly and lightly, one step at a time. You can get there.
Area Dad Just Sort Of Assumed He Could Build Treehouse
SUPERIOR, CO—Standing amid a pile of lumber and an assortment of tools while his disappointed children looked on, area dad Justin Morse admitted to reporters Friday that he just sort of assumed he could build a treehouse. “The kids wanted a treehouse so I told them I’d build one, and I guess I figured that I inherently knew how to do it,” said Morse, adding that while he had no practical experience building things or even basic woodworking skills, he always figured that a treehouse was a straightforward thing that anyone could just construct in a couple hours. “I got some lumber from Home Depot and I bought a new power drill and assumed that would be good, but I actually don’t know the first thing about how to assemble the damn thing. Do you put it together on the ground? How do you get it into the tree? I have a pretty sturdy ladder, but there seem to be some other things I would need. I hammered some wood together to make part of a wall, but I realized I don’t know how to connect the pieces together to make the full structure. Plus, how do you make a roof? This is way more confusing than I ever thought it would be.” At press time, Morse asked his children whether they wouldn’t be just as happy with a playhouse made from a refrigerator box.
Star Wars Detours is a terrific animated show that was produced nearly a decade ago and sadly has never seen the light of day. But somebody just leaked an episode (shh!) if you want to see me and @AndyRichter as a pair of bounty-hunting...um...flies?
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