When I was really poor, I got so fed up having only T shirts and old sweat pants to wear, that I tried to make a suit out of curtains. Now I can afford to wear anything I want. So I wear T shirts and old sweat pants. Probably some moral to this story. Anyway, here's a cat.
When I was really poor, I got so fed up having only T shirts and old sweat pants to wear, that I tried to make a suit out of curtains. Now I can afford to wear anything I want. So I wear T shirts and old sweat pants. Probably some moral to this story. Anyway, here's a cat.
When I was 16, to look like Bowie on the front cover of Heroes, I went out in my brother's black leather jacket with no shirt on underneath. I thought that was cool. It was too big for me, I was sweating like a cunt, and of course, I couldn't take it off 😂
Omid Djalili
@omid9
Did anyone over 50 ever imagine watching Top of the Pops 40 odd years ago that our only reliable information about present day corruption & the destruction of the environment would be coming from the singer of The Undertones?
Phrases of fury:

"Steady on"
"Come off it"
"Well excuse me"
“With all due respect”
"Look here"
"There's no need for that"
“Now wait just a minute”
"I beg your pardon”
"Listen, mate"
"Right"
David Baddiel
@Baddiel
In Berlin. Very tired. Got a bit confused at the breakfast buffet.
In Berlin. Very tired. Got a bit confused at the breakfast buffet.
i hate you please stay
LADbible
@ladbible
You can tell these kids are going to be mates for life. Well done lad! 👏
Being unable to say “you’re on mute” without sounding like you’re saying “for bloody hell’s sake you’re on mute AGAIN how many times?!?”
LADbible
@ladbible
Can't park that there mate 😳
According to Fabrizio Romano on Twitch, Paul Pogba will only stay at Manchester United if Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is not the manager
According to Fabrizio Romano on Twitch, Paul Pogba will only stay at Manchester United if Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is not the manager
David Baddiel
@Baddiel
Off to do a German intellectual TV show. Feel I’ve got the look down pat.
Off to do a German intellectual TV show. Feel I’ve got the look down pat.
…cker up front”?
…cker up front”?
James May
@MrJamesMay
Ho fame. Questa sera mangio la cena enorme con i miei amici e la mia nuova guida per episodo tre di ‘Il nostro uomo in Italia’, una donna locale. ‘Episodo’ is a guess.
David Baddiel
@Baddiel
People say "money doesn't grow on trees." But according to Mike Archibald, concrete does. How will ever find the truth?
James May
@MrJamesMay
Le strade cobbliato di Roma sono molto pericolosa per la mia biciclette quando bagnato. (?) 🇮🇹
Tinkering with some new junk emails today so if you get one about ‘member growth’ or from the ‘poop doctor’ that’s yours truly
Thanks @RadioTimes for the lovely piece about #AbsolutelyMental in this week’s edition 👍
Thanks @RadioTimes for the lovely piece about #AbsolutelyMental in this week’s edition 👍
William Saliba put on a clinic against PSG at the weekend. Arsenal could do with a defender like him

LADbible
@ladbible
Home is where the mattress is 😂😂
Rangers and Scotland legend Walter Smith has passed away at the age of 73

Rest in peace
Rangers and Scotland legend Walter Smith has passed away at the age of 73

Rest in peace
David Baddiel
@Baddiel
Interesting gig upcoming tonight.
Interesting gig upcoming tonight.
New World Order Episode 1 is on iPlayer now
New World Order Episode 1 is on iPlayer now
Tonight I am playing the town hall Leeds with my favourite melted face lion outside.
Tonight I am playing the town hall Leeds with my favourite melted face lion outside.
Welcome aboard Dutch viewers
Romance With A Double Bass Part 9!
I’m warming up for New World Order with shows in Glasgow. It’s been great so far, come see.

I’m warming up for New World Order with shows in Glasgow. It’s been great so far, come see.
David Baddiel
@Baddiel
Book with Berlin backdrop.
Book with Berlin backdrop.
I wrote this spicy book and you can get it here: 🌶
Thierry Henry feels that Mauricio Pochettino is playing Lionel Messi out of position
Thierry Henry feels that Mauricio Pochettino is playing Lionel Messi out of position
Jimmy Carr
@jimmycarr
I’m in Hammersmith for the second night of my run at the Apollo. A couple of these seats are empty tomorrow night, and on Thursday, if you’d like to join me.
I’m in Hammersmith for the second night of my run at the Apollo. A couple of these seats are empty tomorrow night, and on Thursday, if you’d like to join me.
User ranking
Godless Ape. Writer. Director. Actor. Comedian. #TheOffice #GhostTown #Extras #TheInventionOfLying #Derek #Humanity #AfterLife #SuperNature #AbsolutelyMental
Jimmy Carr
Jimmy Carr @jimmycarr 7M Followers
Get tour tickets, my new book and watch my specials right here: https://t.co/t4QyUUZa9K
Trainee hermit, & keen Amateur Squirrel Trainer
Born to be Mild paperback out NOW! Very British Problems books, tops, bags, art, calendars and contact: https://t.co/RkQaDDrOHi Buy me a tea?: https://t.co/g4FUnw3NmD
James May
James May @MrJamesMay 3M Followers
Guess what? Official Twitter account of Bim.
LADbible
LADbible @ladbible 3M Followers
Redefining entertainment & news! Follow LADbible now for the best viral videos, funny stories & the latest news
Currently doing a residency at the Glee in Glasgow. For work enquiries, contact Richard Cook at Lisa Richards.
Talks far too quickly, mumbles, and yet, still doing it. Touring New show Nov 2021, into 2022/23! Latest science book for kids "Is there Anybody Out There?"
(FICTION/SATIRE) The books: https://t.co/5zI2OdVRBm Merchandise: https://t.co/72KzSq6AYG and https://t.co/6D0rDykX2y
Stand Up Comedian. Website - https://t.co/TUOXDLUfTE Instagram - https://t.co/dqeAhCxxQM
The greatest act of revolution, in a world that's trying to grind away your humanity, is to enjoy yourself
lady macbeth // So Sad Today the book: https://t.co/GCAqegDMyv…
Ross Noble
Ross Noble @realrossnoble 832K Followers
international man of comedy
chris o'dowd
chris o'dowd @BigBoyler 816K Followers
Nobody’s prefect.
The Knitwit tour, sadly rescheduled again to 2022, is on sale now. Photography by @andyholl
beatnik
David Baddiel
David Baddiel @Baddiel 780K Followers
Jew
Peter Kay
Peter Kay @peterkay_co_uk 770K Followers
Official https://t.co/rRWeOqru3Y Twitter Page.
Katherine Ryan
Katherine Ryan @Kathbum 749K Followers
I make comedy very very well or very very poorly depending on whom you ask. My life is my message - Gandhi via Matthew McConaughey
The real Fatty. Official Sandwich twits and twaddle. I am a comical presentation ruler not a test mouse
Parody | 18+
I have photoshopped the picture above so all the old women are now holding guns but no one's noticed.
comedian and mirth maker. New episodes of Man Baggage every Tuesday.
I’ve written a book I’m hugely proud of called Watching Neighbours Twice A Day... click on the link to get a (signed!) copy
Stand Up Comedian. One half of #ShaggedMarriedAnnoyed with my wife Rosie. BRAND NEW LIVE PODCAST TOUR DATES ON SALE NOW 👇🏻
Britain's best-selling news and current affairs magazine with a unique mix of jokes and investigative journalism. To subscribe: https://t.co/uOQDbmWjdG
Darth Vader
Darth Vader @DarthVader 430K Followers
Evil Orphan Ani. Parody / Satire / Fan-Supported. Not Official & Not Affiliated with Disney, Lucasfilm, Star Wars.
FootballJOE
FootballJOE @FootballJOE 409K Followers
Almost certainly biased against the team you support.
BBC Comedy
BBC Comedy @bbccomedy 395K Followers
chicken bhuna, lamb bhuna and prawn bhuna, mushroom rice, bag of chips, keema naan and 9 poppadoms
Catch my new documentary Alex Brooker: Disability & Me on BBC iPlayer https://t.co/RmnTxoqoHn